My Life And Everything Else
Hey sorry everyone about this my last page got blocked so i thought i'd start over @(*o*)@ I'm still in the process of building this page so it should be up and running as soon as possible so keep smiling
19th November 2009
Hey guys, I know it's quite a while since i've written in this old thing but i'd just thought i'd let you guys know what i've been up to since my last entry but basically I fell in love OMG!!! considering this time last year i ws so anti relationships it was unbelievable but yeah I finally got into a relationship which had it's ups and downs and it is a bit of a shame that it lasted roughly 5 months on and off and I still think we had something but at the end of the day he's somebody else problem now and not mine. I'm slowly starting to move on from him and not bothering with relationships again. They are amazing when you get into one but you just know it's gonna end up with someone upset and what use is it to the world to have someone else hurt.
I've done my GCSE's and ended up with 3B's and 2C's 4 D's I think, 1E and a U in Drama as I was not entered for the exam 15 hours before it started. I had enough grades to get into college which I'm not sure how I managed to considering I swore half way through the audition as I forgot the lyrics but somehow managed to get in. I'm not usually a singer but I suppose that maybe I'm a bet singer than a Guitarist. I'm finding the course amazing so far. I haven't really got that many people I'm close to in my year but I've got a few good mates in the 2nd year of the course and thats good enough for me (you guys know who you are!). My life still isn't that interesting, I'm now getting councelling again LOL! and I'm slowly getting more freedom at home now which is always a bonus. I've left behind a lot of traces of Westbourne at the moment. There is only a small selection of people from there I talk to now. My confidence is growing day by day and that shows. I have recently paticipated at a gig at a pub not far from college just by the docks which I then shocked my tutors and also myself, i had two totally awesome people from Westbourne who were there to support me and then also made a new friend.
If i could give you guys one piece of advise, it would be to go for what you want, don't hold back and don't turn down oppotunities as they lead you anywhere.
Anyhow, just thought i'd update you guys on what i've been up to lately!
Much Love xXx
26th April 2009
I'm still not talking to the NCO and I'm (for once) really don't feel like talking to anybody anymore. I've fallen for a guy who may or may not know. It doesn't look like I got the job I applied for, I think I did really badly in the interview. and I getting in trouble at school for bunking. My dad doesn't give a damn about me, he want's what's best for me but not him. I know most people say they know what's best when they really don't but I know a lot of the choices in life have been in my best interests eg. Cadets, I've had pretty much everyone tell me not to go back otherwise I would be hated but I didn't listen to them and I now have nearly everyone in my detachment talking to me except one person and I still get in contact with most people from other detachments and got told by one of the Detachment Commanders that it was nice to see me back again. But I was told it wasn't in my best interest but it was because I am a bit happier than than what I was. I really wish people would start listening to me. I don't know it all but I know a lot more about what I need than anyone else. eg. Self-harm, people think it's a good idea to take away the object in which I'm mutilating myself with instead of finding out what is causing me to do it in the first place. I really do wish people would listen because I do make sense most of the time.
Much Love xXx
16th April 2009
I don't think things can get any worse, the guy from cadets isn't talking to me at the moment and I don't know if it's because I've annoyed him or something?!?!? When I phoned him up the other day, he seemed really annoyed with me, I can understand that he's busy but I feel awful now. I sent a text to him a few days ago apologizing and saying that he sounded annoyed and that I'm going to give him some space but I don't know if I was out of order for saying that. I'm really confused, I care about him a lot, but maybe I'm worry about nothing. It's weird because I personally wouldn't class us as mates because I haven't known him that long but at the same time I wouldn't lend someone who wasn't a mate, money. Which is what I lent him. I'm feeling guilty all the time and a tad bit obsessed, maybe I've just blown everything and exasperated it all. I care about him way too much. Anyways I'm gonna go, but I'll let you guys no what happens next
Much Love xXx
5th April 2008
Well today has been an amazing day. I met up with someone from cadets. The really amazing thing was that he was prepared to meet up with me, and alone too. Ever since one person stretched the truth, I've been labelled a liar and can't be trusted alone. I think there might be hope in the world, for once I was treated with respect and I felt safe and put under no pressure. The only problem with today was that I think I gave him the impression that I wanted to get with him, but I was trying to explain another situation because I didn't know if that was the first and last time I would hang out with him because I've had people promise to stay in contact but then decide to block me on bebo, I really don't think I've explained myself clearly enough. But then again is it just me, I am sending wrong signals out to people or is it the way I dress??? The guy I was hanging out with called this girl who I used to talk to, a sket and that she fancies everybody which can be backed up by the comments she sends all the guys at cadets on bebo, but the one thing I really don't understand is why isn't everybody going out with her, she is really really stunning and I swear she knows it, but she is also quite quiet, so is that the only reason people won't go out with her, and if they are going out with her then is there a reason for keeping it quiet? Why am I getting attention of guys? Is it because they think I'm easy? Anyway back to today, I finally got my birthday present it's only like 6 months after my birthday but I enjoyed it =] I'm really starting to wonder why he is self concious, there absolutely nothing wrong with the way he looks or who he is. He's one of the rare people who can make me smile just by sending a text or being around him. He also one of those rare people who do give a damn about people's feelings which is a change to one of the other cadets I know who says he fancies me, but only talks to me when he wants to, not when I feel like it. This guy I was hanging out with, is thinking about quitting cadets but without him, cadets is going to be really boring, he's an irreplaceable guy but I wonder how long it will take him to figure it out. He says he's either going to turn up to cadets tomorrow with his uniform on or his normal clothes and his uniform in a black bag, if he dare even turn up with a black bag with his uniform in, I'm just going to have to stuff him in the black bag of his and kidnap him until he starts talking sense!! I really really really don't want him to go. He said to me last week that we would still stay in contact so I guess it's not all bad, and he did say today that we'll meet up again so I guess I really shouldn't be feeling down about it. We had a few good laughs together and we somehow ended up on a park bench watching skins oblivious to the world and he managed to shut me up, we both still don't know how he did it. Well I suppose I should be happy.
Much love xXx
1st April 2009,
I'm really starting to regret everything I have done and regret still being around. Life itself is becoming a mission and everybody is treating me like an idiot. I'm finding it harder and harder to grasp hold of the things I need in my life right now. The one person I really need in my life is about to quit cadets and I honestly don't know what to do. I think I’ve becoming over protected and I think he also needs space and time to think. Maybe it's a good thing I care too much and stress about the things that other people don't, and care about the people that other people ignore. The NCO at cadets says we will stay in contact still and I do believe him, but I’m waiting for him to either ignore me or not bother getting in contact. There’s another NCO at cadets. I don't think he's talking to me right now and I know I need to give him space but I need to know if he is ignoring me or choosing not to get in contact. He still talks when has to talk to me but apart from that, it’s terrible L ?!?!?
Anyways must dash
Much Love xXx
20th March 2009
I'm having one of those days again. I'm missing someone who probably is going to forget me. He is in the army now with a life of his own and I’m not sure I can move on. He has got to be the most amazing person in the world! I've had people tell me he is manipulative and selfish but I don't see that side to him, maybe it's just me who see's a different side people. I only know this guy as the most caringist person in the world and he's gone. That one thing in my life that keeps me stable and sane has just faded in the dust. I need to move on but I can't do that until I speak to him and I’ve been told that he doesn't have a phone number anymore which in a way find it hard to believe that there is no way of getting in contact with him, if I find out what barracks he's staying at I probably could find a way to get in contact but I doubt anyone will tell me at the moment. I can't even listen to the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls and it is just such an amazing song but it reminds me of him and everything I have sacrificed for him so he could have a better life, after all he does deserve it. As for me, I personally feel I haven't deserved anything at the moment since I haven't earned it. I have people telling me I have earned it but I’m not going to reap all the fame and glory without a price. But then again I suppose losing everyone in someway is a price to pay. The only person who would understand what I’ve said is him.
There is also the guy I really like and to be honest I don't think he really gives a damn bout me or anything I have to say. This is probably one of those problems I need to speak to him about but I have too much on my mind to do that at the moment. Maybe I just complicate things and make things worst then what they could be.
I'm really worried about this guy who goes to cadets and is in my detachment. I feel something is up but I get locked out. I really wish I could help him since he has helped me out so much. But then again he could be totally fine and I’m interfering once again. But what happens if something is up and I’m being too arrogant to see it. He sends me messages asking for money because he'll be a dead boy walking, I have no problem lending money at all, that's pretty much what I’m here for but I’m more worried about the fact he feels he is going to be a dead boy walking. He also sent me a text saying he couldn't come to cadets because of family problems and I feel I really need to help him but I’m at a total loss. He has helped me through the worst time of my life I just hope he’s okay.
I feel that no-one listens to me anymore. I'm alone and lost but will anyone open their eyes and see it's not me that was in the wrong!
Anyways must dash
Much love xXx
12th March 2009
Today has been a bundle of mixed emotions. I have been aloud back at cadets, but i hate all of the conditions though, and at anytime they can kick me out. but on the plus side I don't think anyone hates me though. Skins is on tonight so i'm happy about that, and I find out if I get fired on Saturday. I have lost everyone through what i have been through, but it's times like these that make me thing that i am so lucky to have the mates I have and all the people who are supporting me through this. Maybe it's just me being selfish and wanting my own way, who knows??
Much Love xXx
23rd February 2009
This year has been okay so far, I've had people who have been ignoring me since last year, now are back in my life and I managed to get all of my English coursework handed in. I've almost been fired from my job but luckily they have given me another chance =] Hurray. I think I like the money too much to want to get fired. okay and as for today, my dad had phoned up ACF to see if I'm aloud back which I'm suprised about, because my dad never does these kinda things, so i'm just hoping things go okay and that i am aloud back :S
Anyways I must dash.
Much love xxx
5th December 2008
Well life's been okay lately, could be better, but I'm not really that fussed. So far I got a job working at the co-op which is an okay job it's driving me nuts to wake up early on a Saturday but its good pay though, well for someone only working 5 hours a week. I did my phase 1 at cadets which I absolutely loved (I was a bit loud though), unfortunately I've been asked not to come back just yet but that's life for you. Anyways must dash
Much love xxx
My Birthday bash!!! =] |  |
24th september 2008
Well this is my first entry at the moment and well today has been really bad, people have really big mouths and it is official. Today i've had people spreading something they shouldn't know and it could cost me the guy i really really really like so i've got to find a way to get around that i doubt i will find away but i just hope he still likes me though but atleast i've got my birthday to not look forward to in 3 more days but luckly i'm going to get everyone drunk on 28th so i guess it's something to look forward i suppose anyway i'll write later because i don't want to start bringing people down
much love xxx
